Day 81 of 100 days of Blogging
Miracle Message #79: Love can come from any form of authentic connection. #MiracleNow ~Gabrielle Bernstein
A Series of Blog Posts:
Intimacy Research Background:
I wanted to grow and learn. I wanted to heal the wounds from past relationships with men. I wanted connection and intimacy. I wanted a partner who would practice with me. Real feelings. Real connection. Research.
So, I asked him. A man who was in my coaching leadership program. A man who I had a mental, physical, emotional connection with and who I felt could match my level of intensity and desire. I asked him to be in an intimacy research partnership with me for eight months. He said yes immediately.
We set up a Google document. We Face timed. We texted. And once a month, we met in person in San Francisco. He flew in from Germany. I flew from New York. We created an experience.
Month 2 (October 2013 continued):
At the end of the week, we spent one last night together at the Good Hotel. With the words, BE GOOD on the wall #begood. Funny to see that as I am in a process of reclaiming my sexuality. When I saw the words I felt like my mother was in the room with me reminding me to be good!
Axel and I took a walk in the full moon light and I saw the words LOVE on the apartment building across the street. I took a photo.
Him: No. Love always complicates things.
Me: Why does love complicate? I feel love for people all the time. I felt love for the man behind the counter who just checked us into the hotel. He was so present. So full of information and wanting to be helpful. I could feel his heart and I felt love for him in that moment. My heart swelled with love. An authentic connection.
Him: That is not possible.
The night before in the airbnb with 20 of my friends and classmates, someone asked if I am in love with Axel. I said yes, I think I am in love with him. Then, I paused and felt into my heart. No, I am not “in love” with him. I am in love with elements of him that bring out elements of love for me. The love is expanding me to be more of me.
In this moment in the moonlight, I tell him:
I love the way your body feels and the way our bodies feel together.
I love the playful side of you that brings out the playful side in me.
I love your intense enthusiasm that mirrors my own intense enthusiasm.
I love how you connect with strangers on the street and in the hostels that brings out that side in me, too.
I love working side by side with our computers and challenging each other to be powerful.
I love talking about money and how excited we both get.
I love to watch you skateboard. When I see your joy, I want more of that for you. I feel the freedom for both of us in being free to express who we are.
In the morning we OM before leaving for the airport. It is cold in the room so he shows me the Hamburg wrap. He covers me in blankets so that only my pussy is exposed. All he needs is access to my clitoris. I am wrapped up like a blanket mummy.
Him: I am going to step over you now. (He positions himself in the “nest”)
Safe ports me with, I’m going to touch your thighs with grounding pressure.
Me: Yes. Thank you.
He does the noticing step describing my pussy with neutral language of shape and texture and color.
Him: I notice your left labia touching your right labia. I see a light pink on the edge of the labia. Your clit is hidden under the hood.
I can feel myself getting warm and feeling connected. I can feel my vigilance center lowering. I am relaxing.
Him: I’m going to touch your pussy now.
Me: Yes. Thank you.
He puts gloves on. Dips his index finger and thumb into the beeswax lube.
Him: I am going to touch you now.
He starts with a slow lube stroke making his way from the introitus to the clitoris. He begins with a light, slow stroke. Barely touching my clitoris. Short strokes. Up, down, up, down. A slow rhythm.
I feel a slow buzz of electricity in my forehead and my thighs. I can feel the welling of tears. One tear slowly falls down my cheek. I let him know I am going to cry.
Him: Thank you.
The sobs begin to shake my chest and rock my chest up and down. I sob out all of the emotion that was in my body from being in Immersion (the coaching leadership program) and sobbing out the sadness of Axel going back to Germany and me going back to Los Angeles and all of the joy and pain of the week. Sobbed out all of the energy that I picked up in the room at Immersion. Sobbed out all of the pain of leaving my children with my husband for two weeks when we divorced twenty-five years ago. I am sobbing the present and the past. I sob about Germany and feel the sadness in the Youtube video we had watched earlier that morning. The sobs begin to slow.
The two minute bell rings.
Axel begins the downstrokes to finish the OM and ground us both.
I take deep breaths and let my tears come to a gentle completion.
The final bell rings.
Him: I am going to apply pressure now. Up or down?
Me: Push up towards my head.
He applies pressure to my pussy with both hands. Grounding all of the emotion and swelling in my pussy.
Axel picks up the washcloth.
Him: I am going to do the towel stroke now.
Me: Thank you.
He does one slow wipe on my pussy removing the lube.
He removes his gloves and helps me sit up.
We share frames.
Him: There was a moment when I felt heat in my chest and a thumping pressure in my heart.
Me: Thank you.
Me: There was a moment when I felt a wave of sadness in my heart and a cracking in my upper back.
Him: Thank you.
We put away the blankets and pillows. I put my pants on. We both pause and look at each other. Moving closer we embrace and hug. I tell him I am so sad that he is going back to Germany. He brushes my hair away from my eyes and says, I know. He kisses me on the forehead. Hugs me tight.
We move towards our suitcases. Finish Packing.
Time to go to the airport.
If you would like to watch an Introduction to OM Video, click on the link. OM is Orgasmic Meditation. https://youtu.be/pYohBt5AVmA
Andrea Hylen at Agape in Los Angeles
Andrea Hylen believes in the power of our voices to usher in a new world. She is the founder of Heal My Voice, an organization that inspires women and men to heal a story, reclaim personal power and step into greater leadership. Andrea discovered her unique gifts while parenting three daughters and learning to live life fully after the deaths of her brother, son and husband. In addition to serving as Heal My Voice’s Executive Director, Andrea is an Orgasmic Meditation Teacher and Sexuality Coach.
She is following her intuition as she collaborates with women and men in organizations and travels around the world speaking, teaching and leading workshops. Her passion is authentically living life and supporting others in doing the same. To connect with Andrea and learn about current projects go to: www.andreahylen.com and www.healmyvoice.org.