Realize that today you and I have been given the greatest gift of life and that is choice. We get to choose how we will be with what’s happening. We get to choose whether we will grow. We get to choose whether we will give. ~Mary Morrissey
A few months ago I met a man at a community party at my house. A potluck with dance music and conversation. From the minute I met him, something went zing in my solar plexus. Heightened sensation in my whole body. Although our lifestyles and interests were very different, there was something pulling me towards him. After an initial conversation, I was curious about the wide range of feelings I was having and I noticed by his body language and how he hovered around me all night that he must be feeling something similar. Curious…
A week later, I had a chance to spend more time with him talking one on one over coffee in my kitchen and what I noticed was how much he…alright, I am just going to say it…how much he pissed me off. Seriously…he annoyed and angered and frustrated me over and over. I was also intrigued by his confidence, arrogance and clarity about what he liked and didn’t like in life as if it was the Truth and everyone else was wrong if they felt or thought something different.
So, what was going on?
“Every situation, properly perceived, becomes an opportunity to heal.” ~ A Course in Miracles
Instead of writing him off or ignoring him, I decided to text and ask if he would meet me for a walk on the beach. After a short walk, we sat down and moved our light conversation into deeper sharing. I asked him a few questions and listened, really listened to his words and felt his energy. In less than ten minutes, I had the beginning of an AHA that would continue to deepen over the next few weeks. I thanked him for his time and drove home to process the feelings by myself.
I could see how he embodied so many aspects of men from my past. While I listened to him, I saw glimpses of the first guy I had sex with in high school and felt the pain of disconnection and rejection. I saw elements of both of my husband’s and my father where I experienced emotional abandonment. I saw a glimpse of a business partner from last year and the secrecy he kept that I could not break through for deeper connection and collaboration. I saw the guy I fell head over heels in love with in college (or was it lust?), only to find out that he was using me to try to make an ex-girlfriend jealous. All of these men were a part of something unresolved in my past and connected to something that was my old story about issues, subtle and overt, that had kept me disconnected and fearful of men.
In that short conversation, I also saw an opportunity to heal. As he spoke, I could see a difference in our perceptions and the way we were processing information and feelings. I saw how I could use this experience to empower myself with forgiveness and love and acceptance and understanding. It wasn’t about him. It was about me and the power to shift my perception.
After that beach walk, I made a commitment to a practice of healing. Every night for two weeks, I lay in bed returning to the conversation with the man on the beach. I would recall a moment in our conversation and ask my higher guidance to show how I could transmute and alchemize the feelings. Every night a different man from my past emerged in my thoughts. I allowed myself to feel all of the feelings connected with the man and then to bring in love. First I felt the sadness, the anger, the hurt, the jealousy, saw the old patterning and felt my desire to be loved and seen.
I imagined a golden light entering the top of my head. Warm and dripping like honey, bright, expansive. I received it into every cell of my body including my heart. Soaking it in like a sponge and then I radiated it out to the man who was present in my thoughts. I brought in love and thanked him for being in my life, for teaching me something about myself, for giving me the opportunity to connect to my personal power and my voice.
I felt myself connected to the men at different ages and I radiated the love back to myself.
Sometimes I used the Ho’oponopono Hawaiian prayer:
Please forgive me.
I love you.
I repeated it over and over and over until I felt my body completely relax and I felt the love pouring into and out of me with each breath.
I immersed myself in this healing and have returned to it whenever guided. Now, every day I see men who are gentle, caring, strong, connected, wise, vulnerable, funny, giving, receiving and I know that the inner work I was doing at night is now attracting a different type of man into my life.
I am grateful for all of the feelings stirred up by the man on the beach. I see him as a gift. A wise teacher who appeared at the time I needed to connect and reflect; at the time I needed to see the old wounding that was holding me back and at a time when he could show up in this role.
I send him love and deep gratitude…
and I thank myself for having the courage to show up and do the deep work. To see this practice and experience the power to shift perception.
It is a miracle.
Andrea Hylen believes in the power of a woman’s voice to usher in a new world. She is the founder of Heal My Voice, a Writing and Transition Coach, Orgasmic Meditation Teacher and co- author of Conscious Choices: An Evolutionary Woman’s Guide to Life. Andrea has discovered her unique gifts while parenting three daughters and learning to celebrate life after the deaths of her brother, son and husband. She currently lives in Los Angeles following the inspiration to collaborate with women in organizations and to travel around the world speaking and leading workshops. Her passion is connecting women to support each other in the full expression of who they are.