Andrea Hylen

In 2014, I co-facilitated a group of women from Sweden and the United States to write a story in the book Sensual Voices: True Stories by Women Exploring Connection and Desire. Women wrote stories from the body about childbirth, puberty, menopause, and sexuality. My story was called: Slut: A woman with the morals of a man. (This is the definition from the Urban Dictionary) I processed a lot of feelings and emotions to write this story. A journey of sexual exploration. It was a bigger “coming out” to family, friends, community with a topic that is hidden for most of us. When I released my story into the book, I felt free.

This is an excerpt from my story where I wrote about an experience in an OM (Orgasmic Meditation:

Inside of me were these different parts that seemed incongruent, the mother, the slut, the nice girl, the bitch, the soft feminine, the determined warrior. Most of the time, I felt I had to shut down the desires of the slut. I rarely let her take charge and claim her lusty, natural desires.

At the age of 56, I entered a world of sexual exploration consciously and took one step at a time; pausing, trying something new, reflecting, checking in to see how it felt in my body and willing to experience everything. I decided to become a living research project. Over a two-year period, I practiced Orgasmic Meditation (OM) with multiple partners, had an intimacy research partner to explore sex and vulnerable conversation, lived in a conscious community with a morning OM practice, and took a year of coursework in a Desire-based Leadership Program and Orgasm Mastery. I kept a journal to record my experiences and feelings.

OM #28: A moment in an OM

Have you ever had a man place his full attention on your body?

Me, quietly: “I feel sad,”
Him calmly: “I’ve got you. Let it out.”

Laying on my back, legs spread in a butterfly position, his finger lightly stroked my clitoris in this 15 minute partnered practice. This time I released sadness. His attention and my surrender allowed wave after wave of sobbing outbursts to erupt from the cells of my body and through my voice. After the first five minutes, I could feel the sobs welling up again like a wave in the ocean building to a crescendo. I shout out to him:

“DON’T LEAVE ME””

Him: “I’m right here. I won’t leave.”

In this, my 28th OM, I am releasing so much emotion, I cannot believe a man will stay connected, will keep lightly stroking, will hold a space calmly while I get to feel and release everything!

I was raised with the idea that men were incapable of holding my emotion. I had to tone it down. Be a nice girl. Cry silently. Alone. The idea that a man could place all of his attention on me without asking me to immediately turn and place my attention on him is amazing.

After the OM, he asked if I was okay. Did I need anything? Water? Food? Bathroom? Another OM? Yes to water and bathroom and OM. Get back into the OM nest of blankets and pillows and integrate what just happened.

I lay down in the nest again; legs butterflied open. Trusting him even more. Going into deeper surrender. Throughout the OM, the only thing that emerges is connection, heightened sensation and more pleasure than I have ever felt in my life. I am cracked open.

The experience changed us both. I felt a man place his full attention on me. Holding all of me. And going into the deepest surrender I have ever felt. He experienced a woman trusting him enough to let him hold her, all of her. Maybe the things we were taught about women and men while growing up are not true. We both saw a glimpse of what is possible with greater connection, trust, surrender and support.

He later described me as one of the chambers of his heart. For breaking his heart out of his prison and putting it back together. This was a moment in time that cracked both of us open to be more of who we are in our separate lives. I am grateful that our paths crossed with so much intimacy and healing.

I am grateful for the practice of OM and for the people who have the courage to try it.