I Am Listening
I discovered some words today that I wrote in the fall of 2010. I was living in California and I was in a deep period of questioning, listening, exploring my inner knowing. I share them with you here as I am in that deep inquiry again.
I have an inner guidance system that tells me one thing when words and actions of people around me sometimes tell me something else.
My question to a friend, “Why are you sad?” She says, “I’m not sad.” Inwardly I feel myself contract in confusion. My thoughts: If you are not sad, why do I feel sadness from you? Why do I see sadness on your face? Why are your eyes filling with tears when I ask the question? As she
continues to deny the sadness, I question my “inner knowing.” The questioning began in childhood when I felt things that other people didn’t feel or didn’t admit that they felt.
Reading the book, The Way of the Wizard by Deepak Chopra, there was a section about the thought we are born with.
This is what I want. I am hungry. I want to be held. I want my diaper changed. I want to sleep and so on. During our childhood when we are taught to suppress or deny this natural way of being, the statement becomes a question.
We question our desire and our inner knowing of what we need, want and desire.
The question becomes: Is it all right if I want this?
We begin to doubt, fear, and lose the connection to our inner guidance. We are not taught how to navigate the natural response we are born with. As you get older, you can’t really stand in line in the grocery store and start crying loudly to be fed. But, you can learn to acknowledge the need and make a plan to meet your needs. You can honor the connection, the guidance and make a plan.
In California this year (2010) I have created space to listen to my voice again. I have given my 17 year old daughter the same courtesy. We are individually repairing our inner guidance systems.
Nurturing, exploring, allowing, trusting, loving, waiting, moving into action… A stronger connection and a new relationship with inner guidance. Like an exercise plan for my body, I am making this a priority.
I am listening.
2013 Addendum: I am listening deeply again.
How about you?