Category Archives: Relationships

Love: Authentic Connection

Day 81 of 100 days of Blogging

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Miracle Message #79: Love can come from any form of authentic connection. #MiracleNow ~Gabrielle Bernstein

 

A Series of Blog Posts:

Intimacy Research Background:

I wanted to grow and learn. I wanted to heal the wounds from past relationships with men. I wanted connection and intimacy. I wanted a partner who would practice with me. Real feelings. Real connection. Research.

So, I asked him. A man who was in my coaching leadership program. A man who I had a mental, physical, emotional connection with and who I felt could match my level of intensity and desire. I asked him to be in an intimacy research partnership with me for eight months. He said yes immediately.

We set up a Google document. We Face timed. We texted. And once a month, we met in person in San Francisco. He flew in from Germany. I flew from New York. We created an experience.

 

*****

Month 2 (October 2013 continued):

At the end of the week, we spent one last night together at the Good Hotel. With the words, BE GOOD on the wall #begood. Funny to see that as I am in a process of reclaiming my sexuality. When I saw the words I felt like my mother was in the room with me reminding me to be good!

Axel and I took a walk in the full moon light and I saw the words LOVE on the apartment building across the street. I took a photo.

Him: No. Love always complicates things.

Me: Why does love complicate? I feel love for people all the time. I felt love for the man behind the counter who just checked us into the hotel. He was so present. So full of information and wanting to be helpful. I could feel his heart and I felt love for him in that moment. My heart swelled with love. An authentic connection.

Him: That is not possible.

 

The night before in the airbnb with 20 of my friends and classmates, someone asked if I am in love with Axel.  I said yes, I think I am in love with him. Then, I paused and felt into my heart. No, I am not “in love” with him.  I am in love with elements of him that bring out elements of love for me. The love is expanding me to be more of me.

 

In this moment in the moonlight, I tell him:

I love the way your body feels and the way our bodies feel together.

I love the playful side of you that brings out the playful side in me.

I love your intense enthusiasm that mirrors my own intense enthusiasm.

I love how you connect with strangers on the street and in the hostels that brings out that side in me, too.

I love working side by side with our computers and challenging each other to be powerful.

I love talking about money and how excited we both get.

I love to watch you skateboard. When I see your joy, I want more of that for you. I feel the freedom for both of us in being free to express who we are.

I love…

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In the morning we OM before leaving for the airport. It is cold in the room so he shows me the Hamburg wrap. He covers me in blankets so that only my pussy is exposed. All he needs is access to my clitoris. I am wrapped up like a blanket mummy.

Him: I am going to step over you now. (He positions himself in the “nest”)

Safe ports me with, I’m going to touch your thighs with grounding pressure.

Me: Yes. Thank you.

He does the noticing step describing my pussy with neutral language of shape and texture and color.

Him: I notice your left labia touching your right labia. I see a light pink on the edge of the labia. Your clit is hidden under the hood.

I can feel myself getting warm and feeling connected. I can feel my vigilance center lowering. I am relaxing.

Him: I’m going to touch your pussy now.

Me: Yes. Thank you.

He puts gloves on. Dips his index finger and thumb into the beeswax lube.

Him: I am going to touch you now.

Me: Yes

He starts with a slow lube stroke making his way from the introitus to the clitoris. He begins with a light, slow stroke. Barely touching my clitoris. Short strokes. Up, down, up, down. A slow rhythm.

I feel a slow buzz of electricity in my forehead and my thighs. I can feel the welling of tears. One tear slowly falls down my cheek. I let him know I am going to cry.

Him: Thank you.

The sobs begin to shake my chest and rock my chest up and down. I sob out all of the emotion that was in my body from being in Immersion (the coaching leadership program) and sobbing out the sadness of Axel going back to Germany and me going back to Los Angeles and all of the joy and pain of the week. Sobbed out all of the energy that I picked up in the room at Immersion. Sobbed out all of the pain of leaving my children with my husband for two weeks when we divorced twenty-five years ago. I am sobbing the present and the past. I sob about Germany and feel the sadness in the Youtube video we had watched earlier that morning. The sobs begin to slow.

The two minute bell rings.

Axel begins the downstrokes to finish the OM and ground us both.

I take deep breaths and let my tears come to a gentle completion.

The final bell rings.

Him: I am going to apply pressure now. Up or down?

Me: Push up towards my head.

He applies pressure to my pussy with both hands. Grounding all of the emotion and swelling in my pussy.

Axel picks up the washcloth.

Him: I am going to do the towel stroke now.

Me: Thank you.

He does one slow wipe on my pussy removing the lube.

He removes his gloves and helps me sit up.

We share frames.

Him: There was a moment when I felt heat in my chest and a thumping pressure in my heart.

Me: Thank you.

Me: There was a moment when I felt a wave of sadness in my heart and a cracking in my upper back.

Him: Thank you.

We put away the blankets and pillows. I put my pants on. We both pause and look at each other. Moving closer we embrace and hug. I tell him I am so sad that he is going back to Germany. He brushes my hair away from my eyes and says, I know. He kisses me on the forehead. Hugs me tight.

We move towards our suitcases. Finish Packing.

Time to go to the airport.

*****

If you would like to watch an Introduction to OM Video, click on the link. OM is Orgasmic Meditation. https://youtu.be/pYohBt5AVmA

 

 

**********

Photo from Andrea Hylen

Andrea Hylen at Agape in Los Angeles

Andrea Hylen believes in the power of our voices to usher in a new world. She is the founder of Heal My Voice, an organization that inspires women and men to heal a story, reclaim personal power and step into greater leadership. Andrea discovered her unique gifts while parenting three daughters and learning to live life fully after the deaths of her brother, son and husband. In addition to serving as Heal My Voice’s Executive Director, Andrea is an Orgasmic Meditation Teacher and Sexuality Coach.

She is following her intuition as she collaborates with women and men in organizations and travels around the world speaking, teaching and leading workshops. Her passion is authentically living life and supporting others in doing the same. To connect with Andrea and learn about current projects go to: www.andreahylen.com and www.healmyvoice.org.

Spiritual Growth: Learning through Intimate Relationships

Day 80 of 100 days of Blogging

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Miracle Message #85: Let your intimate relationships be your greatest learning devices for spiritual growth and healing. #MiracleNow ~Gabrielle Bernstein

 

A Series of Blog Posts:

Intimacy Research Background:

I wanted to grow and learn. I wanted to heal the wounds from past relationships with men. I wanted connection and intimacy. I wanted a partner who would practice with me. Real feelings. Real connection. Research.

So, I asked him. A man who was in my coaching leadership program. A man who I had a mental, physical, emotional connection with and who I felt could match my level of intensity and desire. I asked him to be in an intimacy research partnership with me for eight months. He said yes immediately.

We set up a Google document. We Face timed. We texted. And once a month, we met in person in San Francisco. He flew in from Germany. I flew from New York. We created an experience.

 

*****

 

Month 2 (October 2013):

Already in the first 48 hours, I had cried several times and said, “Fuck you, Axel.” His idea of trying to find things to say to me that would emotionally whack me on purpose had reached a boiling point inside of me. He wanted to increase the sensations for our research. I had processed, cried, asked him why he thought he needed to be mean on purpose, was he trying to make me jealous? Wouldn’t there be natural opportunities for that? It felt like bullying to me. As we approached the 48 hour mark and I knew we were going to be sleeping in different locations for the next 4 nights, I left in a fury without saying good-bye or “see you tomorrow”.

I just left.

As I rolled my suitcase down the steep San Francisco hill towards the BART, (the metro system in San Francisco) I was fuming and also feeling relief from the compression between us. I was feeling free again. People may think intimacy research is fun. This was one of the kick ass, button pushing, emotion triggering, different perspective moments that are always a part of human relationship research.

The first 48 hours had many fun moments. We met at the International Flight Arrival Gate at SFO, and made our way to the BART and the private room at the hostel. After OMing, (Orgasmic Mediation), and a nap to try to help him re-calibrate from Central European time zone to West Coast time zone, we ran through the streets of San Francisco exploring and laughing. Running up and down the escalators in Bloomingdale’s like two school kids, looking for the underwear he likes that he can’t get in Germany.  Stopping on the street to be videotaped by a few young filmmakers. Discovering a great Thai Restaurant for dinner. Both of us talking non-stop.

It was great until I got triggered and whacked emotionally, one too many times. When I got closer to the BART I stopped on the corner realizing he might not know where his suitcase was in the hostel. I had moved it to the front desk without telling him. I pulled out my phone, called him and told him about the suitcase. He said, “Where are you?”

Me: I left.

Him: You left?!? How could you leave without saying Good-bye? After all we have meant to each other?

Me: I got whacked too many times. I can’t take anymore right now.

Him: Where are you?

I tell him the location of the corner.

Him: Don’t move. I am coming to you right now.

I wait on the corner. Not sure if I want to see him. Feeling a little turned on that he was so upset. It feels like he really cares about me. Beneath his anger, I can feel something else in his voice…vulnerability? tenderness?

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I look up the hill and in the fashion of Richard Gere in Pretty Woman when he comes to sweep Julia Roberts off her feet in a limousine,  except my version is Axel in converse sneakers on a skateboard, flying down the steep hill. He arrives at the corner with a swift stop. Swoops me into his arms, pulling me close and breathlessly says, “Don’t ever do that again. Don’t leave like that!” He is trembling and out of breath.

His head is buried in my hair and neck. His arms are wrapped around me tightly, not letting go. We hold each other for a few minutes. Breathless. Teary. Exhausted. In this embrace, we begin to talk back and forth slowly, almost whispering our answers. He wants to know what happened. I share my feelings with my face pressed into his hair. My lips brushing his neck as I speak. His hand on the back of my neck holding my face close to his neck. His lips brushing against my hair as he speaks. We are so close. Holding on for dear life. Staying connected.

This is research with real feelings. This is intense.

He says he didn’t know I was so upset. He thought I was expressing my feelings and was okay. We add in more communication tools. Green, yellow, red. Green means all is well. Yellow is I am uncomfortable but willing to stay connected and learn. Red is I am ready for flight, fight, freeze. I am falling apart.

I was in “red.” How do we let each other know that we are in “red” and to stop the teasing, emotional challenging, and back off. How do we learn to recognize it in the moment?

Do check-ins throughout the day. Stop and listen to each other. We also add in “safe porting.” Letting each other know we are going to do something before we do it. Create more safety in the space.

This was painful and powerful. As we end the first two days of deeper intimacy, I can feel a breakthrough. I can feel deeper communication. I can feel the power of going through this step by step. Noticing patterns. Making changes. Feeling all the feelings. And seeing into the soul of another person.

 

**********

Photo from Andrea Hylen

Andrea Hylen at Agape in Los Angeles

 

Andrea Hylen believes in the power of our voices to usher in a new world. She is the founder of Heal My Voice, an organization that inspires women and men to heal a story, reclaim personal power and step into greater leadership. Andrea discovered her unique gifts while parenting three daughters and learning to live life fully after the deaths of her brother, son and husband. In addition to serving as Heal My Voice’s Executive Director, Andrea is an Orgasmic Meditation Teacher and Sexuality Coach.

She is following her intuition as she collaborates with women and men in organizations and travels around the world speaking, teaching and leading workshops. Her passion is authentically living life and supporting others in doing the same. To connect with Andrea and learn about current projects go to: www.andreahylen.com and www.healmyvoice.org.